85 PILLS & COUNTING

"Round and round I go spinning until I fall on my knees. The room is still spinning, faster, no it is not the room spinning it is me, but I am on my knees and I am not moving. What is spinning, what is it that makes me feel like this--I see straight again--I stand up--I walk--I see clearly what happened. I turn around and around and around and around again--I know what is going to happen--I will end up on my knees again. I stop, get on my knees, and think about how I am spinning---there is comfort on my knees. Relaxed, I bow my head and pray. I realize I do not have to spin to see I am dizzy or to get on my knees."
Jeff Johnson March 2008

Sometimes I wish I could just take a pill and I would be able to sing or think better or learn how to play an instrument. Not long ago I said, "I wish there was a pill to make the dog not bark so loud"--or so frequently--then my headache went away and I didn't care as much about the dog barking. Yes, I did take a pill to make my head stop hurting. Have you ever wanted to just take a pill and make something happen: like lose weight with just one pill, or gain weight, or walk faster, or not hurt, or make an "ex" be nicer:-), or make a teenager act--well not like a teenager? I have in my life asked for all of those things and more.

The other day I stopped and counted all of the pills I wish I could take to change or make things happen differently. I counted 85 pills then I got tired of counting. Just think of the time, money, and emotions that would be altered if this could happen. The other side of the coin is what if someone was taking a pill to change me--into something I would not like or want to be. In the end, I was glad I did not have pills to change all of the things I wished for in my magical world. I was glad I had choices, I was glad I could choose to become not 'morph' into something out of my control. I was glad changes in my life--good and bad came slowly at times, and fast at times. I was happy where I was today--but not that I have 85 and counting, things to change or be changed 'in my own likeness and wisdom.'

Everyday is a day when we can make choices about how we want to live our day. We can, to a large degree control our outcomes and influence our environment. We all have past experiences with consequences called 'baggage'--both good consequences (baggage) and bad consequences (baggage) because of our choices. Some of the baggage we did not initiate, but it remains a part of life nonetheless. Focus on the future today, take steps away from the baggage that haunts us, measure the time and distance each day takes you toward another direction--focus on changing yourself. Maybe 1 minute at a time is all you can focus on changing yourself, maybe 15 minutes at a time or 30 minutes-whatever time it takes you to change--take it. Looking at all of the pill bottles filled with all of the change pills would not be as much fun as looking at all of the "pills"
I am leaving behind as I change my journey to be better. March forward today because
you are a forward stepper.

I believe in you because YOU ARE WORTH IT,
Jeff